2013 Viet Nam – Hoi An
Thursday 19th December
We had intended to take a train from Hue to Da Nang and a taxi from there to Hoi An but our hotel reception advised us to take the taxi all the way to Hoi An as we would go over a mountain pass rather than through a tunnel. We would see a lot more and stop at a few sightseeing places so once again we gave way to the temptation and took the easy way out.
The car journey was a bit of a letdown and the places we stopped at were nothing special. As for the mountain pass, we hardly knew we were on one. We stopped at the top but it was very cold with low cloud so the only thing we saw was market stalls with owners that pestering us to buy things. We had a coffee and were ready to leave but our driver lingered over his cup of tea until Federika bought something.
There was one interesting stop near Da Nang at Marble Mountain which sounded very grand but was just a big store selling marble statues. Some of the statues were extraordinary and were shipped all over the world but our visit was spoilt by a young girl pestering us to buy something which considering the size and price of their statues was out of the question. What was supposed to be a three-hour drive turned out to be nearer five so we were pretty tired when we reached our hotel on the edge of the Thu Bon River.
There were only a few days left to Christmas but we would never have known it there in Hoi An. There were a few sales assistants dressed as Santa Claus and the occasional rendition of Jingle Bells on weird-sounding Chinese instruments and that was it. I always loved Christmas but it was good to get away from all the hype for one year. On the hotel website, there were photos of tables on the grass just a few yards from the river which was one of the main reasons I booked it. I visualised us having lunch on one of those tables and watching the river flow but what we got was a bulldozer repairing the riverbank which had been damaged by a recent typhoon. Even without the bulldozer, I suspected that those tables were only there for decoration as the main restaurant was in the garden, far away from the river but we were still very happy with the hotel.
After lunch, we had a quick walk around the town and it was easy to see why Hoi An was so popular. It was only a small town but it was vibrant and had a great atmosphere. The town was incredibly busy and I didn’t know if it was because it was a Saturday night or because every full moon they had two days of celebrations. As we walked across the bridge we saw hundreds of flickering candles drifting slowly down the river in little paper lanterns. There were lots of people selling the lanterns and of course, it was only seconds before we were being pressured into buying some. One woman informed us it was “happy hour” so she offered us a special deal. Not only would we get a big discount but she assured us her lanterns were much luckier than those sold by the other women. Only seconds after putting the lanterns in the river she was trying to sell us more which were “even more lucky” than the previous ones. 
There was a beautiful old wooden bridge with lights in the roof that changed colours at regular intervals giving it such a mystical quality that I could have stood and watched for ages. Things were going on everywhere including a room where an organisation taught folk songs to children. We were lucky to catch part of their performance with the children sitting in a circle singing happily away.
Elsewhere a couple was playing a weird game involving a man singing really badly while a woman pranced around him and despite not having a clue what it was all about it was very entertaining. Walking around the streets with its multitude of shops was surreal as the whole town had small loudspeakers fixed to the walls playing relaxing Chopin piano preludes mixed with some Richard Clayderman. Whether this was what the Vietnamese people liked or what they thought tourists liked I had no idea but there was no doubt it added to the dreamlike quality of the place. It was also refreshing to be in a place where people had thought about the background music rather than allowing ten different shops to play their own music at the same time, creating a cacophony.
Hoi An was most famous for its tailors and shoemakers and most visitors ended up having something made. Our first morning was spent ordering shoes and clothes. All I really wanted was one pair of black shoes but getting caught up in the moment I ordered three pairs and Federika four. Next stop was a clothes shop where Federika was measured up for various outfits. I had a casual shirt made. Most men had suits made but I had a good suit that I hardly ever wore so there was no point. I was not even convinced of the value of having things made to measure as in my experience the finished article rarely turned out exactly what I wanted and you can’t say you didn’t want it. When buying something off the shelf you see exactly what you are getting and can take it or leave it.
As soon as we walked through the door a salesgirl was assigned to Federika who treated her like a long-lost friend. She was professional, applied no pressure and nothing was too much trouble for her. We went back twice for fittings and each time they gave us the feeling that we were their only customers. There were times that four or five girls hovered around Federika making suggestions and making sure she was perfectly happy. Unfortunately, the second fitting for one of Federika’s suits was a disaster, with their excuse being the design Federika wanted didn’t work with the material she had chosen. After a lot of messing around Federika ended up with one suit that was just about ok and one she was delighted with. The same thing happened with shoes. The pair that Federika wanted most of all looked good but were too loose. Once again the blame was put on the design she wanted. They offered a refund but when they saw how disappointed Federika was, they changed the design and miraculously made a new pair in just a few hours. They still weren’t great but she was happy enough with them.
Next day we set off on the Heaven and Earth Bicycle Tour which had some very good reviews. We were picked up at 8 am and taken to an office where bicycles were allocated to us. When I was young I used to live on my bike which had no padding in the saddle and I never thought anything about it. After five minutes on my tour bike, my arse hurt so much that I had to stand on the pedals. There were eight of us and after cycling through the town we boarded a boat to one of the islands. From there we cycled through the countryside which was so peaceful and looked like time had passed it by. We never knew what to expect next. A buffalo wallowing waist deep in a pit of mud; a family working together in a rice field with hand tools; houses with no fronts so the living room looked straight onto the road.
We stopped at a boatyard and watched people making wooden boats and a house where workers inserted mother-of-pearl inlays into various objects with extraordinary expertise. One man was cutting the pearl with a small hacksaw in intricate shapes and Federika paid him a couple of dollars to cut a small bird and a buffalo to use in one of her mosaics. Next stop was a house where they built small, round basket boats. When the French occupied Viet Nam in 1858 they imposed a tax on boats but not on baskets so the locals started building big round baskets and using them as boats. They showed us how they were made and finished the job with cow shit to make them waterproof. Who would have thought that by putting grass in one end of a cow, waterproofing flows from the other end? A sprightly old lady carried a basket boat to the river and showed us how to use it. The problem was you only got one paddle so with the boat being round if you paddle normally you just go around in circles. Sit too near the edge and you will end up in the river. Sit too near the middle and your paddle won’t reach the water. Going anywhere involved a complicated turn of the wrist halfway through the paddle stroke. We all had a turn and I was surprised how well I paddled to the middle of the river, but when returning I lost my rhythm and kept going in the opposite direction. I reverted to normal canoe paddling in the style of an inebriated duck and reached the shore without the coastguards having to be called.
We all sat at a long table for lunch and with everyone being so friendly it was very enjoyable, even if the food was very basic. We cycled back to town and returned to our hotel for a much-needed rest.
Our hotel provided bicycles and some of them even had brakes, so we started using them to cycle around town which we enjoyed very much. I had forgotten what great inventions bicycles were and it was a shame that we so rarely used them. They were good for the environment; you could park for free anywhere you want; drive on whatever side of the road you want and ignore traffic lights.
We really liked Vietnam but the constant pressure to buy things did spoil it a little. In the markets we were constantly harassed. While enjoying a meal we were constantly approached by people who refused to accept a polite no and just stood looking at us. In the markets, people often insisted on being our personal shopper so if they saw we were interested in something they took us to their friends’ stalls. We were constantly stopped in the street and asked where we were from and how long we were staying in town before being offered made-to-measure clothes or shoes. If we said we were leaving the next day they assured us they could make a pair of shoes in a couple of hours.
One night we went for a ride up the river with a little old lady in her small boat. We agreed on $3 and sat in her boat as she paddled slowly through the river that went through the middle of town. She stopped to light four paper lanterns and told us to give her money for them before putting them in the water. We were happy to pay her even though we had already done it several times that night.
It wasn’t a long journey but we enjoyed it and when we got to the end of the river we saw our hotel so I told the woman we wanted to get off there instead of making the return journey. She dropped us off and then asked for $6.
“But we agreed on $3?” I said.
“I take you to hotel.”
“But you were at the hotel anyway. We only had half the journey?”
“No speak English. OK, $4.”
Everything was a battle. Even our hotel told us on arrival that we could upgrade to a river view for only $20 a night extra. We looked at the upgraded room and told them it was very nice but we were happy with the room we had booked. We finally got to our room exhausted when there was another call from the receptionist,
“So you don’t like room with river view?”
“It is very nice but not worth the extra money”
“OK sir. So how much you want to pay?”
“Thank you but we are happy with the room we have.”
“OK sir. You are very special guest so we give you upgrade for only $5 extra a night.”
We weren’t bothered about the upgrade but I was too tired to argue so we accepted and they moved our luggage to what was a small suite. It was a good room but I don’t know what the designer was thinking of when he put a full-length window in front of the bath but at least there was a blind to pull down.
The weather was not great but it wasn’t a problem as we were doing so much walking if it had been as hot and humid as Bangkok we would have struggled. It only rained once and that was when we were in a restaurant. By the time we had finished our meal the rain had stopped, although it was quite cool at times.
For our last day in Hoi An, we booked a cooking course, another thing the town was famous for. I was not a great cook but I figured how hard could it be to chop up a load of vegetables and throw them in a frying pan so I went along with Federika who was very keen to do the course. There were lots of places advertised but we chose one that was owned by the best restaurant in town. It started with a typical Asian breakfast buffet which I was not crazy about as it was just the things we would eat for lunch or dinner. I usually just had toast and jam for breakfast but I had to make do with a fried dumpling and fried chicken noodles. There was coffee but it was the local speciality made with a delicate blend of engine oil and chicken shit.
After breakfast, a group of us were taken on a long walk to the local market where our guide introduced us to lots of exotic vegetables and their life histories. Needless to say, she stopped at a couple of stalls that were selling “must-have” vegetable peelers that were very good and so cheap that knowing how easy they were to lose, I bought a few. Back at the restaurant we were taken to a large room where a woman stood at a workstation at the front with a mirror behind her so we could see what she was doing.
We started with a traditional soup that had to be made by a young woman on the first day of her marriage. One of the most important things in a Vietnamese woman’s life was to impress her mother-in-law who was able to detect a shop-bought stock from a homemade one. I didn’t understand this. If soup was so important to a happy marriage then surely it would be logical to audition a prospective bride before the marriage. After the marriage, it was too late, unless bad soup was grounds for divorce.
She continued by telling us that if a Vietnamese wife couldn’t cook she would not keep her husband at home and said with great pride that she had kept her husband at home throughout the five years of her marriage. If a woman couldn’t cook, the only option she had of redeeming herself was to give birth to sons. If she couldn’t cook and didn’t have sons, she might as well top herself.
We all stood in front of our workstations which were well set up with all the ingredients prepared so we hardly had to do anything. It was fun and the resulting meal tasted good but it seemed like cheating to me. Some of the mixtures we used were made by the demonstrator so all we had to do was add a few spices and roll them into a ball. We both enjoyed it although Federika thought it was a bit rushed. I thought it went on a bit. One thing we did agree on was that we never wanted to hear another mother-in-law comment as long as we lived.
Later that day there was a lot of excitement in the street when a rat was being chased by a dog. The rat was running in and out of shops and almost climbed up one terrified woman’s trouser leg. The dog finally caught up with it and with a swift shake of his head, broke the rat’s neck and left it dead on the floor in front of its owner’s shop. The dog and its owner looked so proud of themselves.
2013 South East Asia
