2013 Thailand – Ko Lanta
Our hotel in Koh Jum had arranged for us to be transferred to our next destination, Koh Lanta. We were told the main ferry came from Krabi and it would stop opposite the hotel to pick us up. We waited in the restaurant area at the agreed time of 12.15 but nothing happened. At 12.45, two of the staff appeared from nowhere, picked up our suitcases and told us to follow them without any explanation. We followed them to the beach where we stood standing on the shore with the two men scratching their heads and phoning around looking like they had no idea what to do next. 
Neither of them spoke a word of English so there was not much point in asking them any questions knowing that the answer was always “Yes.” It was very hot and I couldn’t see any boats on the horizon so I was getting concerned when his phone rang. He answered it and then both men put our two big suitcases on their shoulders and we started walking silently along the beach with no visible destination. So there we were, on a deserted Thai beach with two Sherpas leading the way, all we needed was a dancing elephant and a talking zebra and we would have enough for one of those dreams you get after a hot curry and a few beers.
We must have walked for a kilometre before we reached a longtail boat which contained two tourists from a neighbouring resort. A man started the huge motor that looked like it was held together with seaweed and sounded like Concord taking off. We headed out to sea but there was still no sign of a ferry. The two other passengers had no more idea what was going on than we did and I didn’t understand why we were travelling along the coast. 15 minutes later we came across another longtail boat which was packed with people and suitcases looking like a boatload of refugees. Our captain pulled alongside, tied our boat to theirs and turned the engine off.
It was one of the strangest experiences of my life. We were two boats tied together in open water drifting along with our driver playing weird pop music on his mobile phone and singing along with a high squeaky voice like when you speed up a tape recording. 20 minutes later there was still no sign of a ferry. It felt like we were in one of those films where people have been shipwrecked and are waiting to be rescued. 45 minutes later and people were looking around nervously wondering who would be the first to be eaten if things got bad. Then out of nowhere, the ferry appeared and it was already full. There was a flurry of activity and while suitcases from the other boat were being thrown onto the ferry, our captain started the motor and untied us. To my horror, we started heading back in the direction of our hotel at great speed. Suddenly he stopped, waited a few minutes, and then he took us back to the ferry. It must have been some kind of safety thing regarding the other longboat. We were almost thrown onto the ferry with our luggage and at last we were on board and able to relax for the hour it took to reach our new destination. 
We arrived at the port at Koh Lanta Island and looked for the free hotel transfer I had arranged with our hotel and surprise surprise, there was none. This time we didn’t mess around but jumped into a tuk-tuk. At the hotel, I explained to the receptionist that our transfer hadn’t turned up and after making enquiries she explained that that the driver did turn up but he picked up the wrong couple. It always amuses me when people think that explaining what they did wrong makes everything alright. I told her we had to pay 200 baht for our “free airport transfer” and her only reply was that we had been ripped as it should have cost half that much. I gave up.
One thing I had to admire about the Thai authorities is that they hadn’t allowed any of the big hotel complexes that had ruined so many other tourist destinations. All the resorts we saw were single-story bungalows, and although our hotel was one of the biggest, the 140 bungalows were spread out over a wide area and accessed by pretty little paths giving it the feel of a spacious garden. We had a large private terrace which was a joy to sit in at the end of the day. At first, it was a bit of a shock seeing so many people after the solitude of Koh Jum but we soon got used to it and enjoyed walking around the busy town at night.
The sea was lovely and warm although Jellyfish were a minor problem. Assuming there were no jellyfish the size of fleas, it must have been bits of jellyfish that had broken away from the motherload in rough seas. At worst, they were like stinging nettles but usually it was no more than a tiny pinprick. We spent most of the time lounging around the beach reading and I was enjoying the Kindle I had recently bought and loaded with dozens of free classics. Many of them I couldn’t get into but I was really enjoying Uncle Tom’s Cabin.
We hired a motor scooter one afternoon and explored the north of the island. I used to drive a motorbike many years earlier ago and although loved it, I gave it up as I always felt so vulnerable and never met a single biker who hadn’t had a crash. One very experienced biker I knew, fell off three times in one journey so as it was only going to be a matter of time before I did, I sold mine. The motor scooter we hired was very small and automatic so all I had to do was turn the throttle. Federika climbed bravely on the back and we made our way up the coast. I loved every minute of it but felt very vulnerable and wasn’t conscious of my speed until a little old lady overtook us walking along the pavement. The road was full of potholes and when cars overtook us they sounded their horn which I assumed was meant to warn us but the sudden noise was more likely to cause a crash than prevent one.
The price of our hotel included a free New Year’s Eve gala dinner. We weren’t expecting much and being a buffet I was concerned that in such a big resort there would be too many people fighting for food but we were pleasantly surprised how well organised it was. Instead of one big station of food, there were lots of tables spread out and the only thing lacking was common sense. There was a whole pig laid out on one table which looked very inviting but there was nothing to have with it on the same table. We had to queue again for the noodles or rice and then again for vegetables by which time half the meal was cold. As for entertainment, sometimes an act can be so bad that it becomes entertaining. You see this on programs like Xfactor where the most popular video clips were usually the worst performers. Our entertainment started with three ladyboys dressed to the nines in traditional Thai costumes, moving around in a slow and strange manner. They looked like they were holding a walnut between the cheeks of their arses and had to complete the dance without letting the walnut drop. Next came the star of the show, a tall, muscular ladyboy who dressed like Madonna and sang like Sylvester Stallone. He/she was the worst dancer I had ever seen and bearing in mind I had spent decades on stage, watching people dance that is quite a claim. Every movement was carefully planned so that not one of them flowed into the other. It was like someone doing a jigsaw puzzle using a hammer to make the pieces fit. I was mesmerised.
Then came the games, one of which consisted of children sucking lemons which dragged on forever despite the fact no one was in the slightest bit interested. Later came the handing out of lanterns which were like miniature hot air balloons so after lighting the candle in the middle, it floated mysteriously off into the sky. The resort was in the middle of a long beach so for as far as you could see there were lanterns heading out to sea which looked spectacular.
Being concerned that further exposure to the hotel entertainment might have a bad effect on our mental health we went for a walk along the beach and gate-crashed some New Year’s Eve parties that were going on in the many bars. There were lots of fire shows with people limbo dancing under a fiercely flaming bar only one foot from the ground.
There were also a lot of people doing fire torch juggling.
Instead of keeping fireworks for midnight like in most countries, they were let off throughout the night so what with the lanterns and the fireworks the sky was lit up most of the time We arrived back at our resort for the countdown to the new year which led to an excellent firework finale from our resort and I was happy that I didn’t have to join in with the silly, and incomprehensible Auld Lang’s Syne.
4th January 2014
We had originally booked four days in Bangkok for the end of our holiday but having had enough of temples we knew that would be too long and so decided to stay in Koh Lanta for a few extra days. We wanted to change hotels and so went to a tourist agency to see what was available. The hotel they sent us to was the first we hadn’t booked with booking.com and it turned out to be not only one of the best but it was half the price of our previous one. It was not as professionally run as most of the hotels we had stayed at but that was part of its charm. It was run by a family with the father controlling the bungalows, restaurant and supermarket like a circus master. In the restaurant, there were lots of youngsters who we assumed were either his children or relatives. They were running around following the orders he shouted in a manner that was less organised than it sounded as customers rarely got what they ordered.
One thing that bothered me at dusk on the first night was an irritating high-pitched mechanical noise. I assumed it was from some kind of electrical device and being determined to find out where it came from I tracked it down to some weird insects in the tree. I assumed they were some kind of turbo-charged cicadas that fed on chilli peppers all day. Ironically, when I realised it was an insect I was able to put it to the back of my mind and it didn’t bother me anymore.
One night I went to watch some Thai boxing that was heavily advertised all week and I was surprised to see how well attended it was, especially as it was far more expensive than I would have expected. It started with two young boys around ten years old and after a strange ceremonial dance from each of them, the fight began. Every amateur boxer or martial arts competitor I have ever seen is made to wear headguards but these kids had nothing. It was however a gentle fight so maybe at such a tender age they were instructed to take it easy. Just as I thought it was going to be a boring night, the next fighters were announced who were in their twenties. After more weird ceremonial dancing, the fight started and that’s when the fireworks began. In the martial arts styles I knew there were strict rules of engagement and elbows were strictly forbidden as they were so dangerous but in Muay Thai there seemed to be no rules. The first bout was stopped after one of the fighters was kneed in the chest one too many times. Despite the vanquished fighter probably having several broken ribs the officials impatiently ordered his trainers to carry him out of the ring so the next fight could begin. It also surprised me that there didn’t seem to be a doctor in sight which was another requirement in any similar event I had known. In the six fights I saw, all but one resulted in the loser being carried out. I know it is inexcusable to sit and watch people beat each other up but in my defence, one of my ancestors (Eginardo) was a Roman general so I claim it is part of my culture.
Arriving back at the resort at 11.30 pm was a bit scary when the dogs I made a fuss of during the day (including donating some of my Snickers bar) decided I was a burglar and started barking as if they were going into full attack mode. Barking dogs never usually bothered me but one in particular was very close to my heels and looked like he was going to pounce at any minute. It should have recognised me but I suppose to racist Thai dogs, all Europeans look the same.
2013 South East Asia
