2023 Czech Republic – Prague
24th April 2023
We took a train from the main station which was very confusing because the same station had two different names. I booked the tickets from Croatia and was surprised to find the price from one train company was 120 euros return and another company only 52 euros. Thinking that the cheap train might be like one of those Indian trains where you have to sit on the roof, I had a good look at the photos but as both trains looked the same I went for the cheaper one. There was also a strange pricing structure. Economy class was the cheapest, then came first class and then club class which was only four euros more. We went for the first club class and the seats were very comfortable, with a table in front. 
It always sounds so exciting to travel abroad on a train and every time we went to India we were determined to do a long rail journey but always ended up flying because of the convenience. Now was the chance to travel on a comfortable train so we were looking forward to it. My interest in fields and trees faded after seven minutes so I joined 95% of the passengers who were studying their mobile phones. I could at least claim to be using it for studying with my Croatian learning app. It was a nice smooth ride and the four and a half hours to our destination passed in no time.
The Uber driver that took us to our hotel didn’t speak English but grumpiness is universal. She knew enough English to tell us she would accept our Euros but not give us change in euros. She would not give us change in Czech money either so the fare ended up twice as much as it should have been. We were staying in the Charles Bridge Palace Hotel which unsurprisingly was right next to the famous Charles Bridge. 
It was a lovely old building which was converted into a hotel in 2012. It had high ceilings and was full of ghosts like every respectable old building should be. Being adapted from an existing building there were some weird passages scattered around the place and on more than one occasion we walked out of our room and straight down the stairs opposite into the kitchen.
After a short rest, we walked to the Charles Bridge and were immediately struck by how much colder it was than Vienna. It was very windy so we made it halfway across the bridge before turning around. The sun had already gone down and we knew it would be much warmer the next day. We weren’t intending to walk on the bridge at night anyway, as apart from the temperature, it is well known that many of the statues come alive after dark. Opposite the bridge was a small alley which took us into the centre of town where the wind had dropped so it was much warmer. Despite being off-season, the streets were packed, making it a little uncomfortable but thankfully the lanes opened out more as we approached the centre which was a large pedestrianised square. A crowd had gathered around the very impressive astronomical clock waiting for the little show that happens every half an hour. We stood at the front with hundreds of people behind us so I held my phone up high and took a video of the people behind us. It wasn’t until I looked at the video later that I saw that two Italian girls saw what I was doing and so put on a little show for me. Soon the bells started ringing and some figures did a little ring a ring a roses at the top of the tower. 
The main square was very busy and at one end there was what looked like a cathedral with a large building in front of it so no one could see the bottom half of the cathedral. Heaven knows how they got planning permission for that. 
We went up the tower and paid extra for an award-winning two-person pod which looked like something out of Star Trek. It was the perfect time to visit as the sun was setting over the million red tiled roofs that made up the city. 
When I worked for British Airways in 1999, staff used to love going to Prague which was very cheap. A friend of mine stayed there for a few days over the millennium and paid £5 a night for a hotel room. Now everyone was saying how expensive it had become but it was still a lot cheaper than Vienna or even Dubrovnik.
The next morning we bought tickets for the Hop on, Hop off bus. It was a bit daft really because we didn’t intend to do much hopping as the only stop we needed was the castle. The main reason for using the bus was for the accompanying audio tour but that was very disappointing. An audio tour should be narrated by an actual human but all they had done was paste the text into Google and used the awful electronic voice so it sounded like Stephen Hawking was our tour guide. To make matters worse, when there was no one speaking, they played dramatic orchestral music on a ten-minute loop. Every time the music reached the same crescendo I had to take the headphones off. Even Federika who is far more tolerant than me found it a bit much.
The castle was the “largest ancient castle in the world.” I had no idea what that meant but it didn’t look like your standard castle where you keep princesses in towers and pour boiling oil on invading enemies. It seemed to me more like a town on a hill although there was no denying it would have been a bugger to invade. The castle was split up into lots of small sections and again we had to pay extra for each section but we were not that interested in most of the extras and were just happy to wander around. In the centre was a cathedral which from the town below looked dark and foreboding, like something from Harry Potter. 
There was free entrance to the cathedral but only the first section, so as soon as you got to the pews there was a barrier with ticket-only entrance. There were some very impressive stained-glass windows which were all we were interested in anyway. 
We always liked to light candles when we go to these places and I was surprised to see the giant, fat candles all neatly laid out beneath a statue of Mary. I didn’t like the look of the candles so ignored them. Then I saw Federika looking for an unused candle to light but there weren’t any. It turned out that they were electronic candles so when you put a coin in the slot, quite a realistic flame appears on a candle. I had always embraced technology but this felt wrong and I was sure that Delboy from Only Fools and Horses must have had something to do with it. Where will it end? Will it be confessionals next?
Good afternoon. Your confession is important to us. Please press the appropriate button on the Dialpad in front of you
- For big sins select button 1
- For small sins select button 2
You Press Button 2 - For stealing, press button 1
- For Coveting, press button 2
- For telling lies, press button 3
The seriousness of sins will have to be changed to reflect modern-day life.
- “Taking the name of the lord in vain” and “Observing the sabbath” are no longer sins
- “Thou shall not steal” is no longer a sin unless stolen from a big store and goods are valued at less than £200
- “Thou shall not make idols” but telephone voting is permitted
- “Coveting” is no longer a sin but an economic duty
Start recording your confession at the sound of the tone. It will be assessed by AI which will generate and send your penance by email. If you don’t have access to the internet you will be classified as “beyond redemption.”
Thank you for using “Sins R Us”
We walked around the grounds which at times was a little uncomfortable as it was threatening to rain but it never really happened so we managed to see everything we wanted and had a good lunch in the castle café.
We took the hop on, hop off bus back to town for the inclusive boat ride. The boat was pretty packed but we managed to get good seats near the window. We would have preferred to sit outside but it was much too cold, although a lot of people didn’t seem to mind. It was a pleasant enough ride and quite special going underneath the Charles Bridge which offered a much better view than walking along the embankment.
It lasted one hour but most people lost interest after a few minutes. A couple sitting next to us were glued to their mobile phones the whole time and other groups of people spent the whole time talking. We strolled back to the main square and when the sun went down it turned very cold but we still managed to walk around comfortably as long as we kept out of the wind.
The next day we rose early and started with a walk across the Charles Bridge to the Kafka Museum. Outside there was a statue of two men pissing into a big puddle and the public was invited to move the statue’s torsos around with the purpose of spelling out words with their piss. I am not using poetic licence; this statue actually exists. 
In the Kafka Museum, my audio guide kept going on about what a genius Kafka was which I found a little irritating as I hated the way the word was always being thrown around like confetti. I asked Mr Google if anyone else thought that Kafka was overrated. One article in The Guardian informed me that Kafka was a bigger genius than Shakespeare and Mozart but only very clever people were able to appreciate him. Another article (not in the Guardian) was entitled “12 Reasons Why We Should Never Read Kafka’s Major Works.” All twelve reasons looked perfectly valid to me, with top of the list being that he never actually finished any of his books. Maybe Kafka knew something that his admirers didn’t when he demanded that all his works be burnt after his death. I started reading The Trial years ago and the first part had me hooked but then it just went on and on about nothing so I abandoned it, and that was before I knew the book was unfinished anyway. Having said all that, I enjoyed our visit and it was well presented, although it was a bit cheeky calling it a museum, considering all the exhibits were photocopies. It must be said though, that Federika like Kafka and I am in the minority in thinking he was wildly overrated.
Next stop was the John Lennon wall. Shortly after his death, a local artist painted a picture of him on the wall with some lyrics and from there the wall became a symbol of peace and freedom. Everyone was meant to write their name on the wall or paint a picture so it was full of colour and very impressive.
The rest of the day we just strolled around and once again clocked up nearly 20 kilometres. At one point when I thought I couldn’t go on, we discovered Federika had lost her favourite jumper so we spent another 20 minutes backtracking in the hope of finding it, but to no avail. We made our way back and managed to find the only available seats in a bar in the main square. It was lovely sitting there and watching the world go by. We had an excellent dinner but as always, there were no vegetables, not even as an optional side dish. We were constantly being told how important it was to eat vegetables and yet whole nations were pretending that they didn’t exist.
By now we had exhausted all the tourist sites so we decided to visit an attraction we had passed several times, The Sex Machine Museum. Being a big fan of James Brown I naturally assumed it was a museum dedicated to the great man and his most famous song. When buying the tickets I asked if there was a discount for seniors which there often was. The girl said no but she must have felt sorry for us because she gave us a student discount instead. 70 old and there I was getting my first student discount. Once inside I was shocked to see that instead of a James Brown exhibition, it was a museum of torture instruments. On the first floor were photos of people with piercings in places I didn’t even know existed. It took a while before I realised it was a museum of sex toys going back hundreds if not thousands of years. This also came as a shock to me, as in common with other children of the sixties, I assumed that it was our generation that invented gratuitous sex. It turned out that it had been going on for centuries.
The star of the show for me was a small ceramic whistle that was placed inside the rectum for the purpose of playing a tune using flatulence. Considering this was a museum devoted to sexual practices I can only assume that some people got off on arse whistling. I must say the whole thing was great fun although I was doubtful whether the Love Tester was reliable.
2023 Vienna and Prague
